Mind In Solitude

I’m tryna act like I don’t wanna be with you
Like I would be OKAY
If you just walked away
I’m tryna act like I don’t wanna see you
Like you were just a face
I’ll forget you in a day
I’m tryna act like I can do
without feeling on your booty
Find another ghetto cutie
To do me like you do me yeah yeah
But I’m just so addicted to you
Imma try but I can’t
Cuz your all I’m tryna do

     – Omarion, I’m tryna

I’ve always been vocal about my feelings and my thoughts, and if you have been reading these  shit I’ve been writing long enough, you will see and learn that I am like that. I’ve been like that ever since I learned how to speak, but there’s something I never talk about, my deepest intimate feelings.
I’m vocal with my feelings when I hate the way a certain person talks, when I don’t get what I want, when some thing doesn’t go my way, when someone annoys the living hell out of me, or what have you. But when it comes to my feelings from deep inside, when I’m happy, sad, hurt, depressed or whatever mushy shit I have inside me. I never talk about that, weird as it may be, but I talk to myself about it, in my room or in the garage at night when I turn off all the lights while staring at the dark and infinite sky, I would just sit there, a cigarette in one hand and maybe a bottle of brew in the other. But I do, just to get the tension out of my head I would do that. And nowadays to my little year-and-10-month old niece that I learned to raise as my very own. Ever since she was born, everytime was feeling emotional, be it happy or sad, I liked to spend it with her, though most of the time she doesn’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, but she would just sit there and look at me unconditionally and just melt my heart away. No questions, no doubts whether I’m right or wrong. But she’s just there. I would just hug her tight and just hold back all the pain inside and just feel her chubby little body close to mine,in my arms, warm and filled with so much unconditional love for me. Without shedding a tear, it wipes away any pain that I’m feeling.
This is one of those times where I need to be close to her.
My little almost-two-year-old refuge.
Until she grows up.

It’s such a given;

“I grew up in Saudi Arabia.”
“Cool! Can you speak Arabic?”

I hate it when I’m asked that question. How many times do I have to explain to people that the environment I grew up in, didn’t involve any interaction with the locals in that country.
It’s funny how people can get sooo consistent in asking that question.

Another consistent question;

“Whoah, so you lived in the desert?”

Dammit. Where’d you grow up? And along comes a long series of smart ass comments from yours truly that most of the time leads into more stupid questions and a bad first impression of me.
No, I’m not like that all the time. But I just hate stupid questions. I wanna be the only one in the world that is allowed to ask them. No questions asked.

There’s that feeling of paranoia again.
I feel that something is to happen really soon. But I ain’t got the slightest idea.

Anywho, I know my mind has been relaxed lately and I haven’t been thinking much about anything lately since it had someone doing cartwheels inside it for the past couple of months.
But quite recently, there’s a riot building up inside my head. I haven’t been vocal about it lately and I have been trying to avoid dealing with it to make it easier on myself and the people around me.
But it ain’t making things easier.
In fact, It’s been bothering me even more by the minute.
As I journey into this marathon that we call life, I feel that the people I’m racing it with are either passing me by, falling back or plainly just disappearing on me, and as I strive and push harder to get to that black and white checkered flag; the sky becomes darker and the roads have become narrower and I’m breathing heavier, gasping for air. Almost as if your walking through a gigantic funnel, starting at the wide end going to the narrow and almost shut end.
And the only exit you see is a small speck of white light shining upon the end of that narrow road which is a few thousand miles into the future. And I’m tellin’ ya, the future looks dim for this lonely fucker.

I guess it’s just a phase, another hurdle that I have to jump over.
As an optimist might put it.

Fuck it, I’m out.

Theres a splinter on her head,
Constantly stings by the minute;
Forged into her forehead,
pain wrapped around in it.

But who do you know?
That would stay for that long?
While the pain in her heart
Sings the same old songs.

The sight of her frown,
I find my heart being torn,
Into small pieces,
As she struggles to carry on.

Keeping myself aboard,
myself is already in this.
Humming her old songs,
A shoulder til its finished.

Now that splinter on her head,
Loosening up by the minute;
Keeps her in touch with the world,
And every thing else in it.

I got that funny feeling again.. That I’m being avoided.. Or I guess I’m just paranoid.
Something is wrong but I just can’t tell what it is. Guess I just have to expect the worst
and get myself ready for whatever.

…someone bit the truth and told a lie.
Hate that feeling you get when you walk in a room and see a bunch of people that you know, or maybe now, once knew, you get a cold stare and most of them are probably wanting to kick your ass. That feeling you get when you know that they’ve been wanting to give you a piece of their mind for knowing what they think they know.
I’ll say it again.. most of these people are probably wanting to kick my ass right now.
Its like being back in High School.

..oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive…

- sir walter scott