It’s a complicated emotion for me when paranoia runs its course. Based on what I’ve learned about myself in the past, this is my minds reaction to acceptance. Accepting what is beyond and what can happen as my mind goes into overdrive. It’s often called fear of the unknown. Although it never has been my thing but sometimes you wish to just leave this world for a quick moment and spend some time alone. Thinking, reminiscing. Put enough gas in the tank and just drive off, stop to sleep, eat or whatever, and then drive off some more. Thinking, reminiscing – putting reality on hold. How real is reality, really?
March 4, 2015
Demotivation hits you like a motherfucker.
It doesn’t even matter how much you try to force yourself to get over the truth.
To accept things the way they are. These things just exist, you just have to find a way to accept these things and look at it as another hurdle to get to your goals.
March 2, 2015
It’s crazy how fast time flies.
I could have sworn that the last entry I posted was just a few months ago.So what’s goin’ on? Nothin’ much, still the same nut – although I realised that the urge to write not-being-here-anymore is a sign that my mind has been tranquil lately.
Noticed that I said tranquil rather than peaceful?
The other war continues – its just on a break.
January 24, 2014
I heard an unfamiliar screech when I started the car this morning, so I got out the car, walked around, looked under the hood, popped it and then looked inside – that just about ends my knowledge on how to fix a car.
January 13, 2014
Someone’s had enough of that level!
January 13, 2014
I guess it’s been decided. As much as I try to keep things as general as possible here, I have decided to venture off into something else other than this program that I have been working with.
First thing on my mind was either to be transferred somewhere else, or find another place (as I have already been) to work in, but is it me or online applications are taking hella long? Almost like other companies are very primitive and would rather that applicants walk in? Cost cutting? Hiring (promotions) internally? I dunno, but the sites online says that there are vacancies.
I don’t know how it can be related but a “sense of entitlement” and people’s complacency in the office is another ingredient that is in the “disaster” recipe.
January 9, 2014
I get really sick and tired of all this. All the considerations that I’ve made, all the sacrifices, and all the “trying” I’ve been doing. Sometimes you just wish you can pause everything and just disappear for a while. To think. To cope up. And to get the strength to go back to all of this. It wasn’t like this in the beginning, but through it all, I somehow lost the enthusiasm that I once had.
December 27, 2013
This year has been a humbling experience for me.
I learned to value things more and I learned to prioritize. Like the feeling of betting it all in and losing the hand, I had to start over, from scratch.. From being a rockstar to someone struggling to perform.
The things that I value now may not be the same things that I would have valued years ago.
I’m a different person.
Over-all I would say better but there is a part of me that’s changing negatively.
My outlook at work. Should I call it maturity? No, I guess, but more like “awakened” by the sudden realization of how fucked up we have it at work.
The things that would have motivated me in the past has now turned and sailed on leaving me in the shore of confusion.
This place has its way of sucking potential out of you.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, its just that I’ve let it happen.
The process, complacency, the fact that no matter how innovative you are is not going to matter since everything is manopolized by on-shore. Or so I’ve been told.
February 7, 2012
Its been a while since I got here.
I’ve been wandering into the world we call REAL.
I’ve lost my “feel” to write.. and the urge…
or so I thought…
Or maybe my mind had just been busy..
I dunno.
I thought I lost it.
Until thoughts came wandering back.
Nothing negative.
Just lots of random thoughts of non-sense.
Some of tomorrow.
But most on non-sense.
Completely non-sense.
The other day I was up really early in the morning and I found myself hanging out the balcony and looking… at nothing.. but I was looking…
I found my self looking into the pond that was downstairs. There was a duck swimming in that dirty old pond. I found myself scattered around looking for a tiny object.
A tiny object to throw at the duck.
Just enough for the duck to lose its peacefulness.
Was I high?
I dunno.
Not yet maybe.
But you see? I haven’t lost my craziness!
It’s always been here.
Hiding.
Just waiting for that time.
The time that I’d free my mind.
Mind In Solitude 