Mind In Solitude

I got the Monday Blues. You all know how it is when its a monday and you have to come to work coming from a weekend. Sometimes, through your endless effort,  you just feel compounded to find your ignition and get your mind and body started as soon as you get up to jump start your day.. But most of the time it doesn’t work. I hate mondays. All those emails you have to read, the reports you have to confirm, and the look on your boss’ face while he also feels the pressure on mondays. Guess he gots the blues too..

sometimes i just can’t find the right words to say-or right time to say it-ive always been good with words but in this case-nothing that comes out seem to be right-like a chill up my spine-words collide into a single breath-sentences dont seem to end but no sense made and no point taken

Sometimes I just don’t know when to stop running my mouth.

It all started ever since I was a kid, through elementary, middle school until to date. I’ve always been like that, having an impulsive mouth. Yes, it has gotten me in trouble most of the time, and I’ve often talked my way out of it. But not all of the time. I remember spending endless hours in the principle’s office and the guidance counselor’s office all throughout the days I was in school. I spent so much time in there I somehow made friends with our Guidance Counselor, Mr. Verut (if I can remember his name correctly) we started to build rapport and kicked it often. I remember that old bastard used to make me cry alot when I would get into trouble, I’d just lower my head, try to cover my eyes by resting my forehead into my, back then, bony little fingers.

Reminiscing about those days paints a smile on my face realizing that those moments changed, and made me into me. It not just those moments that help build my character. A lot of other experiences have helped contribute to the whole integrity of my being, like all the struggles, all the troubles, everything. But moving forward and back to the justification of my thinking out loud tendencies; It’s just hella funny seeing that other people would rectify that attitude by.. just a bad habit or perhaps, somewhat, a personality impediment.

I’m not a bad person, a blabber mouth or what say you.. I just have a tendency to tell the truth in a place where the truth is not required.

My head hurts.

Something tells me that the next few months will be a few long ones..

Motherf.. My Boss gave me new agents to handle, and from my last 4 years of experience handling brand new agents at least once a year, and if I can remember it correctly, the first few months will be the toughest ones. I just wish I have enough patience to deal with these new people. So the first day went sorta, well, its ok but I still dont know which of these newbies are which, you know what I mean? And I dunno whether one of ’em is comin’ to work or not, or them people from training suddenly had the urge of manipulating with operations and changed the distro, but like I said; I dunno.

Well, as it turned out.. That wasn’t what had happened. She was just late..

Manic Monday.

The freaking bank finally credited me back the money that was fuckin debited from me, damn, 4 Gs is still 4 Gs. Turns out that the ATMs bank that I got debited in has already reversed the charge on their side way back monday and informed MY bank at once, and it took my bank from monday to friday to realize that and credited it back to me.. Fuckin dill holes.

Anyways, I dont know what’s been goin on lately, you know when they say “when it rains, it pours” – that shit really is true and really does happen.. And it works both ways, when you think your life can’t get any worse, everything starts to fall into place the sun starts to show up. NOT IN MY CASE. Cause it’s still raining like hell, but what the heck right? Fuck it.

It’s funny how we human beings have sudden urges. We tend to jump without knowing if there is someone at the bottom that is waiting and ready to catch us. That’s why we stumble. It’s funny cause we tell people we learned our lesson and shit but sooner or later, we will make the same old mistakes.

 I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW CALL ME TONIO. IT’S FUCKED UP. THAT AIN’T EVEN MY NAME. I DUNNO, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE NAME OR ANYTHING. BUT DUDE, IF WE AIN’T CLOSE, DON’T PRETEND TO BE! KNOWHATIMEAN? THAT AIN’T MY NAME. YOU DON’T KNOW ME AND I DON’T WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU. But if we chill and are friends and shit, it’s cool.. call me tonio as much as you want..

Got up ass-crack thirty before coming to work. It was hella early so I pretty much had so much time for channel surfing and whatever that may seem to be an interesting thing to do with my time. 6 hours of sleep don’t seem too bad compared to my 5 hour-sleep average. I’ve been having this feeling of incompleteness at work for some time now. Or maybe I’m just lazy. I’ve also been wanting to leave and work somewhere else but uh,

It’s too far. Yeah, not just maybe, but I am lazy.

Ever had the feeling that you know there’s something you have to do but can’t put your foot on whatever it is that is needed to be done?

Its a tuesday and I’m staring endlessly at my monitor contemplating on what it is I’ve been missing out on. It could be work that’s already late, then again it could just be something that I need to check up on.. I dunno.. But I guess whatever it is, it’s bound to catch up on me, sooner or later.

I still feel an after shock from the excruciating day I had yesterday. Damn. Its 4 absenses from my team this week. Another AWOL.

Its been a long day for me. I dunno. Heck, the last few months have been the longest few months in my life.

This is one of those days you just wish you stayed in bed. I woke up today with a gut feeling that this day was going to be different, but I said to myself “The heck with this day.” So I got up and staggered along to the washroom like I usually do, smoked a cigarette and watched TV. I didn’t feel like coming to work at all; a feeling that i get daily. I was watching a cool movie on HBO but I knew I should be running off to work already despite the usual I-don’t-feel-like-it mood I was in, so I settled for coming in late for work. 2 hours late. So there I was getting ready for work and as I got into the bathroom to take a quick bath, the water was cold, really fuckin cold. So as the ice cold water streamed down my head through my spine to my ass, my whole body jerked and I was shiverring like hell. Almost as if I fell into thin ice. So I squeezed in into my bed and covered myself with my blanket and bed sheets and I felt so warm it took me another 30 minutes to pry myself out of my warm and cozy bed. Time’s journey into the whole day seems to take seconds, as I lay there tucked in into those sheets hours seemed like minutes, minutes like seconds and I was growing impatient. My fucking phone rang. Another one of my agents are going to be absent. I could almost imagine Derick’s face (my boss) with his white post-its in his left hand, a pencil on his right with that silly look on his face as he consistently grinds his teeth looking into that piece of paper like the menu from a restaurant he’s never been into. Damn. That’s 2 for the week. So there I was jotting along to work, I could have sworn that I was already feeling better; then I guess I should have listened to my Mom about swearing. When I got to work, it seemed to be just another one of those long tiring same-as-yesterday work day that we usually have. During the shift, I went down with one of my buddies to withraw at one of our ATMs in the building, I tried one of the ATMs, chucked my ATM card in and tried to withraw 4 thousand of our currency in there. Little did I know, that the machine was unavailable. So we skated off to the nearest one that works. we ended up in another one just not so far away from the first one, and as I took my cash and my transaction slip, the money I was supposedly withrawing from the first ATM took the money out of my account. Fucking machine. So I ended up calling all the phone numbers on the ATM card and going through endless IVRs (interactive voice responses) only to find out, that it will take them 15 working days to work on my fucking complaint. But it only took them a couple of seconds to take the money out of my account. I work in a call center for an electric company in Texas and we handle billing concerns, damn, now I know exactly what they feel like whenever they make payments through us online and the money don’t go through. I promise to be nicer to them next time. Well, moving forward into this pathetic excuse of a day I’m having so far, I had to settle my payables here at work. I ended up being so unproductive today talking about and writing about the stuff I went through the whole day. Should have stayed at home.

Sigh.